These days I bounce back n forth like a flea
between some relative self
and some more absolute Self
neither of which are really anything.

relative self is just a conglomeration of stories
made up to pass through time
a reflection of mind
some creation
which used to be mistaken for an i............
and that i is walking within
a world made  up of stories
and all of us are  the writers, and actors
the directors and producers
doing it all with smoke and mirrors
making it up as we go along
a great big horse and pony show.

and absolute Self is nothingness
so how can I write about it here?
Can words describe essence?

When Being in Beingness
I am so easily amused
Makes it impossible to take anything very seriously
Even the stories I hear everyday I label "really sad"
even the high dramas
I am "supposed" to take them seriously
but inside I am laughing
mostly to myself
but sometimes right outloud
I seem to have glimpsed the One behind the curtain
in this land of Oz inside my mind
and found only nothingness there.

these days
when talking on the phone
or having a conversation
before I know it
i slip to another place
a more absolute place
a space of essence
a space beyond the stories
then
the conversation ends
the only sound is a humming silence
shining through the luminessence........

if the person i am speaking with
does not go there too
their words become faint in the background
and sound like charlie brown
waa waa waa waa
i find this very funny
even though this amusement
sometimes seems socially unacceptable
makes it hard to talk on the phone............
but i am alive in the land of perpetuaul amusement
and now i am laughing
and if you are not laughing too
You are probably wondering
why I cannot seem to pull off
a "normal" conversation anymore
why I do not email, or blog
or tell you what is up with me
and "Can't I just answer your question"?
(It's an "important "question!)
and you think maybe I am writing a story
which says something about you and what i think of you
or maybe it says everything about me
being crazy in my head.......
because these days I am prefering
the company of daisies, and trees
soft wind, and birds
I choose not to create stories for now
so how can i hang with people
who believe they are their stories?

these days
I choose not to say waa waa waa words
except those typed here
and of course it's just a story
written just for you.........
so you will know i still exsist
and Love and think about you
can we exsist to one another
without our stories?(probably not in cyberspace)
all the freakin illusory ,spectacular,boring ,beautiful, awesome,stupid, outrageous, unnessessary, wonderful, undeniable, story filled play
that most think is the real reality
of who they are
and this is what I expereince
all around me everyday
and it all leaves me at the moment
with very little to say.

                                                   Love estelle eveningstar  c 2008

Wisdom is
sweeter than honey
brings more Joy
than wine
illumines
more than the sun
is more precious than jewels.
She causes
the ears to hear
and the heart to comprehend.
I love her
like a mother,
and she embraces me
 as her own child.
I will follow her footprints
and she will not
cast me away.
I fell
because of wisdom
but was not destroyed
through her I dived
into the great sea
and in those depths
I seized
a wealth bestowing pearl.
I descended
like the great iron anchor
men use to steady their ships
in the night on rough seas
and holding up the bright lamp
that I there  received
I climbed the rope
to the boat of understanding.
While in the dark sea
I slept,
and not overwhelmed there
dreamt: a star
blazed in my womb.
I marveled
at that light
and grasped it,
and brought it up to the sun
I laid hold upon it
and will not let it go.
                                              Makeda, Queen of Sheba

Since it is memorial day weekend I am remembering those who are dear to me who have gone onward to another place............
My grandfather was "papa" he was everything funny and kind and delightful and clever all rolled into one person..........we adored  one another.... and still do...... as I feel he is always with me........my greatest delight was to see my papa smile and I did everything in my power to make sure that happened as often as possible and he did the same for me.
My grandfathers last words were "I feel like I am floating on a white cloud"...........I did not cry when he died.....I was just engulfed with this feeling of peace........papa was my father figure........so men in my life have had alot to live up to.
...............
My grandmother was a master at everything she placed her attention upon.
A tall amazon like woman.....from a long line of amazon women (I am called  the runt of the litter in my lineage)
She was a master gardener.....and seamstress and cook......she knew about herbs and natural cures and botany as well as all about many other things......she was a virtual walking talking encyclopedia...... She was also clairvoiyant.....and when she was going to pass she knew weeks ahead of time.......she flew for the first time in her life across the country to see me before she went because she wanted to see me and give me a ring which was special to her.
I did not want to even imagine life on earth without her here so I would not believe her when she told me she was going to go....I guess I was in denial.......she kept asking me what else she had that I wanted because she wanted toI put that in the will and I would answer that she was not going anywhere........but if she did .......I  wanted to inherit her sense of mastery, her sense of humor,(wry and dry) and her green thumb.....I wanted all those things squared...............
sure enough she woke up on Easter morning 1985 after seeing me in Feb. and fell back asleep again for good..........sure enough I got her green thumb squared, my sense of humor improved significantly............and it appears I also have her sense of mastery..............
that is because I do what I am good at doing and do not do what I am not good at doing............and there is a certain wisdom in that.
I would like to publically acknowlege here that my grandparents were the most important people in my life and they were two of the greatest people I have ever met on earth. I am so thankful that I was graced to expereince them in my life. I always told them so.........but I wish I could tell them even more and show them................what a lucky duck I am to have expereinced them and their tender yet powerful, unwavering, unconditional love of me.

This is a marvelous TED talk - enjoy the amazing story Jill B Taylor

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229

It was snowing
bullets of ice
I could smell
the maple syrup
as I pulled
up
the driveway......
There was some lost
red headed
woodpecker
cracking open
some bug holes
To get a frozen
larvae lunch
he was
like the grasshopper
and forgot to fly south.....
did you know
they have a special joint
so they don't get
headaches?

When I walked
into the livingroom
my boots dripping
wet in
the mud room
I spied the
most beautiful vase
filled with
the most mystical
green roses
I ever saw.....
They smelled
Just like
St. Patricks day.

How does St. Patricks day smell?
to marchers
in the parades
in Boston
it smells like beer......
But to me
St. Patricks day
is remininiscent
of green, marshmallow
shamrocks.

I kissed
one of the roses
I just couldn't help myself
I wanted to eat one too
But reminded myself
that it may spoil my appetite
and since we were gonna have some smee gees
for dinner
I did not want to fill myself up
on some fantasy......

Quietly I awaited
the rest of the guests
To pass the time
I propped my feet
up on the table
and stared with loving eyes
at the lovely green magical roses
Thinking of you
and how you make magic
out of the ordinary
because you notice
it isn't.

Rose Petal Hair
Feet like forest
Drunk on honey mist
Gorgeous delicate moment.

Chant Dream shine music
Whisper Goddess symphonies
Bare skin Beauty Worship
ask Love Near
Love All Ways
Together watch eternity.
                                              estelle eveningstar 08

Self Love is good humored and easygoing.
A Self loved body tingles with pleasure
like a sun warmed beach
when waves of Love wash over.
A Self Loved mind is at peace
does not turn against itself in criticism
does not strive to make up for itself
with a good show....
is content with itself, and therefore
has no fear, no anger, no greed
no hurry, no worry
just glides along like a white cloud
doing one thing at a time
as though it were serious.

Vanity and conceit have nothing to do with this,
and not arrogance and righteousness
those are the masks of shame.
The proud man....the vain woman
the smug, the selfish, the egotistical and stuck up
all the "better than"
the know it alls, and judges, and busybodies
inside they squirm with unworthiness worms
and have no Love for themselves.

Self Love is the spring, the Source
of All the rivers of Love that flow
It is the hive for all the honey,
the store for all the presents
It is a home of God.

It is not attention getting
It is not at anyones expense
It is free for all
It is everyone's birthright.

Unconditional
It cannot be earned or achieved
It is not because of anything
it is just there
like space
and it moves through the body
like a river of light.

Self Love is not different from humilty
humility means going easy on myself
about achievments and image
the puffed up masks and costumes
the dramas to stage myself
and be seen as the star of the show.
Humility means giving myself a rest
from the rush aginst time
the endless busy river
of explanations and justifications
and compensations and rationalizations
and stupefying lists of projects
for self improvement
and doing good
none of them ever enough
never enough, never enough
hurry along, there's more to do
more to do, more to do.......

Self Love has enough already
Delights to give itself away
like an ice cream machine overflowing.

Self Love verses Love of other
is a treachery to the heart
Love radiates
without Self Love
what is there to Radiate ?

How many grim relationships will we endure
trying to get the Love we fail to give ourselves?
sucking at a dry breast
when the milk is flowing in our own hearts
why should we wait for a Lover
to fall in Love?
                                                   Dan Jones

                                  Breath

My roots are inside her
my roots extend to her center
I draw her power up
each long breath pulls up her power
sap through my trunk, my spine
her life arising, arising in me
power bursts from the crown of my head
I feel it sweeping through my braches
in a gusty dance, up
and then down to touch the earth once more.
                                                           Sue Silvermarie

                               Harvest

We taste
Harvest: this instant
at the edge of green, on
the threshold of yellow,
apples perfection:
taste frost, rain, snow
white blaze of blossom
and celebration of the bees,
taste labor of lady beetles
keeping the tree clean.
                                                Elsa Gidlow

To understand mystery
observe mind
stilling fear, mind moves clear
sing a song of equanimity
awake within serenity
Affirm your voice
and choice.
Magnatize a potent dream
World alight,
Illumined Peace.
                                      Dhyani Ywahoo

                              YES (excerpt)

Like a vast and gracious host, welcome
and say "YES" to this
"YES" to this and "YES"
to every this.
Your true life arrives constantly
when you've set up your little shop
at the intersection of Now and Yes.
                                           
                                                   Gary Rosenthal

Are you allowing yourself to yearn open right now........ so you can feel your heart's deepest  most delicious delight?
 moment by moment, are you expereincing, abundant ,orgasmic , cell vibrating ecstacy
 whether or not you are with a lover ?
Are you allowing yourself to open and feel your heart's...... most Divine...... deep as all oceans...... depths?
Will  you soften..... and relax...... and allow......Just as you are..
right here/ right now
All the walls crumbling down 
Until  you are left........naked and vulnerable.....but singing with Joy beyond words
breathing and opening......... to just as it is
 until  you can so feel your heart
as well as everyones heart......
and share the  Love you are........ with all?

You can practice if you choose to......You can practice opening and breathing Love into your heart with your inhale .........and feeling that tingling delicious flow from your heart ........on your exhale ........until your whole body is relaxed and opened and allowing Love to have it's way with you......You will dance as a dervish then......a dervish who is being constantly  ravished........ by Love.

You may choose this dance of Love........ and then all your cells will vibrate with electric , shining, radiant  happiness......a Joy  which will bless........ all those you encounter.
You may choose to surrender to your full bodied heart song .....
to open so large.......... that you feel and breathe the oneness of everyone and all that is.......with each breath.........This will magnify the pleasure in your heart and body....as well as your mind and Spirit ........        and in this oneness........  you will expereince yourself as a walking talking breathing Loving Soul fire cosmic sparkle of oneness in form.
How much will you allow yourslf to receive?
How much are you really willing to hold.
Open your arms and say YES!
Shut your mouth, breathe into your heart
and feel it
embrace it
let it go
know.
                                      Happy New Year                  love eveningstar

In the beginning Love satisfies us.
When Love first spoke to me of love........
How I laughed at her in return!
But then she made me like the hazel trees,
which blossom early in the season of darkness,
and bear fruit slowly.

I do not complain of suffering for Love
It is right that I should  always obey her,
For I can know her only as she is in herself,
whether she commands in storm or in stillness
This is a marvel beyond my understanding,
which fills my whole heart
and makes me stray in a wild desert.

The madness of Love
Is a blessed fate;
and if we understand this
We would seek no other;
It brings into Unity
what was divided,
and this is the truth:
bitterness it makes sweet,
it makes the stranger a neighbor,
and what was lowly
it raises on high.

Anyone who has waded
through Love's turbulent waters,
Now feeling hunger and now satiety,
Is untouched by the season
of whithering and blooming,
For in the deepest
and most dangerous waters,
On the highest peaks,
Love is always the same.

                                                     All by Hadewijch of Antwerp (13th century)

Wishing all of you a new Year filled with Love's  Blessings.Happy 2008